cPTSD: 5 Ways to Build Community When You're Alone

What do you do when you only feel safe when alone?

My childhood home was a chaotic mess of aggression, denial, and gaslighting which spilled over into my adult relationships. It took a while, but I realized I had internalized so much shame, despite escaping my home environment. These were painful, lonely realizations.

To add insult to injury, it seemed like everyone had an opinion on whether my experiences with my family were valid - it all led me to the darkest, loneliest place in my life.

I know many have experienced something similar, and found it challenging to identify resources and camaraderie on a path to healing.

The greatest thing I’ve learned in my last few years of healing is: we all need support. Deep, meaningful support through both explicitly hard times and lighter ones.

**If you don’t have the ability to open up and make those meaningful connections, you have to find some way to be seen until you do have that capacity. You must support yourself.**

Here are some of the ways you can support yourself on your healing journey:

Where to find safe community:

12-step Groups
Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Dysfunctional Families) (ACA), Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) all have regular phone meetings and are great options to just share what’s on your mind and heart. These meetings are a great resource to process trauma, feel connected, and even make a friend. I call anytime I feel off kilter, and want to recommend that you do ask for the contact information of anyone you feel a connection to - I’ve made a good friend from this. :)
COVID note: All 12-step groups have regular phone and Zoom meetings.
Political Groups
Politics is one way we take action on our lived experiences and hold space for others. I’ve found the energy in some of these groups to be very connected and authentic. Some groups which are particularly aware and supportive of disabilities and mutual aid are: Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), Freedom Socialist Party (FSP), Democratic Party, and Radical Women. I strongly encourage you to follow your gut and truly explore which groups have values which align with yours.
COVID note: All groups meet using video calls.
Community Groups
Physical communities have been organizing as long as they’ve existed, and many of these groups are friendly and truly want to connect with those they live near. Some examples of this are: a community garden, neighborhood association, or larger geographical organizations like Zonta Women’s group.
COVID note: Many of these groups either meet online (neighborhood groups), or are able to socially distance outside.
Exercise Groups
Running was one of my outlets while still living at home, and I still say that choosing to join the cross country team in high school was one of the best decisions of my life. Local running and triathlon groups, some yoga studios, and even Crossfit gyms are all great places to meet people spending their time on wholesome, self-improving activities.
COVID note: many yoga studios and outdoor workout groups are able to socially distance or disinfect according to CDC guidelines. Gyms may be closing, but these are good options.
Counseling
Sometimes you don’t have enough energy or trust to do any of the above. I have been there. In these instances you really need someone who is absolutely in your corner to navigate the circumstances of life - that person is a counselor. It can be hard to find the right counselor, but using this mantra as a guideline - “this person is undeniably in my corner” - you can find someone who can help you get to the point where you can reach out others safely.
COVID note: Most mental health professionals are meeting using video calls.

Lastly, if you have the energy to do so, Volunteering is also another way to connect with others.
However, if you’re healing, I encourage you to strongly consider devoting this season of your life to your growth. Once you’re on stable ground, service will feel even better (and not draining!).

How to care for yourself:

To focus on community to the negligence of yourself is the definition of codependence, so here are a few ways you can help get yourself to stable ground:

Focus on Physical Health
The impact of exercise and a healthy diet may astound you if you’ve neglected this part of your life. By monitoring your exercise, food intake, and amount of sunlight/fresh air you get on a daily basis, you can start to ensure your enjoyment of life. I aimed for ~45 minutes outside each day, exercise ~4 days a week, and some fresh food daily.
Daily Journaling
Journaling is a way of giving yourself personal space. Morning Pages are an excellent tool to clear out everything lingering in your thoughts once a day, and the Future Self Journal has great prompts to help you keep the future and big picture in mind. These are a non-negotiable part of my daily routine, but Habitica is a great tool to get started with building healthy habits.
Expand Your Horizons
This has helped get me out of a funk more times than I can count. Shifting your perspective is critical to managing any symptoms of depression and anxiety and there are so many ways to do it. Whether it’s reading a book, listening to a podcast, or planning an adventure - realizing that your circumstances do NOT define you, is truly a life changing assertion that lifts my spirits every single time I make time for this.

The idea is not that you need fixing, or that there is something broken inside of you. It’s the practice of letting yourself be seen and accepted as you are.

Everything in the above list is about letting you see yourself - raw and unfiltered - so you can practice acceptance towards what you find. Once you start to be able to do this without flinching or beating yourself down, then, letting someone else in (who can do the same) will seem just a little more feasible.

What have you done to create community when you’re in a dark place? Have you tried any of these groups?