Quarantine was a great litmus test for relationships - without the social pressure to stay connected, many relationships haven’t survived video calls and long distances.

All this reflection showed me that: no matter how much you may miss or love someone, if they’re harming or holding you back, it’s not a relationship worth keeping. In case you’re on the fence about which relationships are worth nurturing in 2021, here are some things to consider:

1. The relationship is one-sided

   When you find yourself being the only one to initiate conversations or consider the other person, let go before resentment overwhelms you.
   
   Be the bigger person and don’t let immature protest behavior take over and retaliate in a passive way like: being slow to respond to them in order to send a message. However, I’ve found that bringing up this issue to someone who’s making no effort to keep you in their life rarely has a positive outcomes. You might bring up the fact that their lack of effort makes you feel like your relationships is unimportant, but if you just want to move on with your life - that’s okay too. You don’t owe anyone anything - especially not someone who’s been taking your goodwill for granted.
   
   Folks with dysfunctional childhoods can often struggle with this one. Since they’ve had to be the parent and earn their parents’ goodwill from an early age, it can be hard to know that they deserve respect and reciprocation in any relationship. If you feel this describes you, I especially encourage you to move on from one-sided friendships. They aren’t going anywhere, and you’re only wasting your time on someone who can’t give you what you need: support.

2. They never apologize & don’t care if you’re upset

   When there’s conflict, instead of trying to address it, they pretend like nothing ever happened. When you bring up an issue about your relationship, they find a way to avoid the problem and make it all about them.
   When you realize you’ve never heard them apologize, ever.
   
   …This behavior is a version of gaslighting (manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity).
   
   All relationships have conflicts a disappointments from both sides, but a relationship worth keeping is defined by care and concern. If you feel like someone could not care less about your well-being, CUT THEM LOOSE. More love will not convince them to care, and there’s no redeeming a relationship where one person is simply using you.
   
   No matter how imperfect the response, if someone can’t even try to comfort you or address your concerns, they don’t care and you shouldn’t waste another moment trying to earn their concern.

3. They blame you for things out of your control

   Plenty of things in life are out of our control.
   Traffic, how others respond to us, our families, health issues - the list goes on…
   
   When someone consistently holds these incidents against you, and won’t let go - you’ve found someone who doesn’t care about you. These are fights you can only win by never having.
   
   I once had a boyfriend with the most self-absorbed friends.
   Every time I hung out with any of them, they would completely ignore me and spend the entire time talking about themselves. Any attempts I made to enter the conversation would be completely shut down and ignored. When I brought this up to my boyfriend, he actually blamed me for their behavior. He did nothing to try to connect us and didn’t have a problem with them ignoring me during these hangouts. I should’ve left this relationship so much sooner, and if this is happening to you - know that it will never get better, and people’s friends are a reflection of who THEY are.

4. They don’t stand up for or support you

   No matter what you feel like you’re facing, if you feel like you can’t bring it up to your partner or friend - they are not worth keeping close.

5. They don’t believe you / Talk over you

   This can look many different ways, and can actually be very subtle.
   If you feel consistently less seen the more you interact with someone, it’s a good sign they don’t value your actual experiences and aren’t interested in actually getting to know you.
   
   I once had a coworker/friend who consistently dismissed my comments about my own mental health as a personal failing (ex: just take a walk! cheer up! etc.). After a while, I was just tired of being talked down to about my own experiences. Even though he was a decent acquaintance at work, I ultimately had to accept I was talking to someone who couldn’t care less about what I had to say.

6. They’re hot and cold

   Pulling you in, then pushing you away.
   When you can’t rely on someone close to you, it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.
   
   Sometimes someone can really trigger your attachment issues with this behavior, and you get caught in a cycle of feeling like you have to earn their love. Attached is great book which talks about how our childhood experiences can set us up for these cycles, and how to break them.
   
   Don’t get caught in this cycle of push/pull - know that there are people out there who can meet your needs without games.

It goes without saying these behaviors are no good; but sometimes it can be hard to see things clearly when you’re caught up in the dynamic of a relationship. But if you’re searching for validation online about a specific relationship, it’s worth considering some next steps to address your concerns. Issues don’t get resolved if they’re never addressed. Don’t get caught up in a cycle of wasting precious time on people who don’t appreciate or care for you.

It can be difficult to know that great, loving people exist, and that they can’t get into your life when you’re consumed by toxic drama.

Consider some communication strategies if you want to try one last time, but just know that you deserve to have fulfilling relationships which don’t antagonize and drain you.

How do you know when to let someone go?